Lovedrug, a band some friends of mine are in, are coming into town on Saturday to play at the Knitting Factory; a line to one of their songs is the title of this post and the current state of my life.
Sometimes I get lost in everything. It’s not that I am aimless, I try to avoid aimlessness at all cost; it’s just that I get piled under too many things. Ambition can get the best of you, I know it does me quite often. Its not really even that I have a ton of commitments, I have enough to keep me busy, but its more that I am trying to have a ton of commitments: you know what I mean?
It’s like I am working so hard for something, I always tell myself I am on the brink of something big. That is really how I feel, don’t get me wrong its not that I think I should be onto something big. No, consider the flip-side I feel like I keep missing something due to poor timing, bad luck or just plan stupidity: if only I try harder.
Do you ever feel like you are spinning tires or swinging your fists in the air? Or Punching skulls on the bathroom floor???
So I’ve got that going, then of course there is our big move in a week and half. Moving is enough to make anyone blackout;?? though I don’t think Michael Shephard (lead singer and write for Lovedrug) was thinking of packing up a Uhaul when he wrote that. We are excited about it but its never easy packing everything and moving into a new situation.
Plus, I have to be honest, I am fretting over the PhD thing. We went to a dinner the other night with other PhD students and it just made me feel out of place. I don’t know if I really know what I am doing or talking about. It seems like just about everyone outside of Fuller is anti-PhD, and this is a problem for someone who is considered a feeler?? on the Myers-Briggs test. I have so many things I am interested in that its really hard to focus it all down. My plan is to study Quakerism and postmodernity, my hope is to help reshape the tradition a bit with my research but I often fear its too narrow or too hopeless. And I have all these other great ideas.??
Read that last bit with a hint of sarcasm please.
So sometimes we blackout, I think my case is blackout from being piled under too much.
And then as I think about it, Christ says Come to me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.?? This has got to be one of my most favorite passages in Scripture, its like Psalm 23 summed up in a sentence. Can I take a piece of that rest now, or was there some kind of eschatological meaning to all this…?
A few other things I am doing to combat blackout currently are; writing a blog post about it, listening to new music (the Finches, King Geedorah, MF Doom, Smog and Atlas Songs), wishing I rode my bike home, and going to bed. What are other ways to battle blackout?
I’ll save my life for something good, oh yeah
For something good, oh yeah
For something good, oh yeah
And when you’re punching skulls on your bathroom floor, oh yeah
Does it get you off? Oh yeah, does it get you off to know that
Sometimes we all blackout
Check Lovedrug out at Purevolume